Ever feel, unenlightened?
I suppose we all do, hence why blogs are not always written or hardly written every single second of every single day, and if they were, they probably wouldn't be that exciting.
What I do not understand is this past week or so, why I have been so....attacked. Why in the world, is this lasting so long. Spiritual warfare does not happen this long in my life. It has been probably a week and a half. Hauntings of my heart, hauntings of my past, hauntings of mistakes, from the littlest mistake to the greatest. Not to mention, struggles with my ego, my pride, my superiority mindset, my lack of compassion, my lack of love.
What was it last month? Doubt. What is it this month, pride. Stupid stupid pride. Looking to my own interests, taking my mind off the heavenly prize.
I know what I need to do, but I don't want to do it. This is the worst, because I know I need my weapon. A part of my heart uplifts as I think about it, yet my body won't let me go. It is the simple, reading God's Word. Why is this so difficult for me to do? Because I know. I know I have to think, I know I have to face reality, I know I can have peace, yet I am way to lazy.
I hate lazyness. Lazyness is my greatest burdon. It is my greatest sin. I wonder how much of it will be affected by my future. I absolutely hate it, yet I don't want to stop it. When I get lazy, I let my guard down, that is when sin takes over. That is when it floods into my mind like water through a broken dam.
It is very interesting, okay, first of off, sidetrack. I do not know if many people know this about me, but I experience life as if it is a research project. How people act or react towards me, how they do not, the types of lives they live, the types of life I live in comparison and how they think of that. I study how I react to things, how I experience stuff. When I laugh at something that isn't really that funny, it is because I look at it as this whole ridiculous concept. Of course people give me really weird looks and they think I'm crazy. haha Which in part, maybe I am but that is how God has made me and I am okay with it. Actually I enjoy it immensely. Maybe it is a spiritual gift of seeing more than just the surface in every thing. Who knows, all I know is I have this sociologists mindset. Studying the behaviors of others, and a psychologists mindset by studying the behavior of myself.
Well anyway, back to what was very interesting. I was driving home today, and I really was in no mood for music, but I wanted to listen to something. As I played the shuffle on my iPod, I kept skipping songs, until I reached a sermon. (yes, I put sermons on my iPod, very nice.) It is interesting how one does that isn't it? Sometimes a sermon can be very fascinating to me. I don't know what it is, if maybe I just need to drink of some sort of spiritual thought, or what.
David says in the Psalm 63 "My body thirsts of you in a dry and weary land." Have you ever felt like that before? I am in no way saying you have to feel like that, but I am just using it as an analogy of how it feels sometimes. I long for God sometimes. Even though I spent time with Him the other day, and I prayed to Him this morning, somedays I just long for Him like I'm dehydrated spiritually.
I went to church this morning, but I had to leave early because of work, and I didn't go tonight just because I was tired. Yet, you know what, sometimes church can serve as a distraction more than a focus. It is easy to go to church and put on a happy face, and act like you are this amazing christian. The real challange isn't that at all, the real challange isn't sharing the Gospel, the real is dealing with yourself. The real burdonsome, frusterating, challange, is going before Almighty God with a pure and humble heart, and keeping it that way. That is the biggest challange I face. The reason being, it causes you to think. To think deeper than you really want to. To truly take it to heart, and live it out.
I quote on my facebook, which explains it, "I do not understand how a man can be a true believer unto whom sin is not the greatest burdon, sorrow and trouble" -John Owen
If you want to know what it means to be a Christian, ^ that's it. It is a constant battle between your nature and yourself. It is fighting the good fight, and I know, believe me I know, when I get this way, God has something in store for me. I hate going through spiritual warfare, but I also know it is Satan attacking me trying to bring me down, because he knows God is using me for something that is great. I may never know what that is, but I have the hope of God's promise, and that is what keeps me going, and to never give up. I do not give up, I just get distracted very easily. ;-)
Well, I am stalling myself. It is time to dig deep and dirty into my heart, and pull out the filth that is festering inside of it.
God bless!
In Christ,
Amber
