Before I left to finish the last two years of my university education, I was involved in church ministry for about 5 years. I had worked with the youth group and then I had served in the college ministry team. When I left to go to the university, since I was 2 hours away from home, I decided to see how I could serve there. I was rather burned out you could say from being extremely involved within church ministry so I was not interested in becoming part of a leadership role in any of the christian organizations on campus. I was more interested in just being involved in the lives of those around me, such as roommates or friends on campus. I had found a church within a month that I liked and even though they didn't seem to be a machine of theological learning as I had been brought up in, they had served and loved me genuinely in Christ. (They were a relatively poor church that had been around for many years, but I could see they were filled with genuine people. I hope and pray God does use them to this day with the resources they have and that they don't become wealthy in worldly wealth but in spirit and truth.)
Even so, I purposefully detached myself from church attendance and involvement for those two years. I went maybe twice a month or sometimes once a month. I got a job and so that took up my weekends so I was not able to go all that much.
What I began to find was that I enjoyed the people but the time I spent in the service was spiritually draining. When I graduated and started visiting churches to find a place to plug in, I also got the same spiritual draining after the service and the people. They taught truth, they were relatively nice (since I was new), but my spirit after learning was not refreshed or inspired, but felt rather exhausted or even dead.
I've started to wonder about this feeling. I think it is from the fact that I can no longer expect a church to "feed" me truth. I don't want my emotions and spiritual state to be manipulated by what songs they play or how funny or inspiring the preaching was. I'm sick of having to "get something out of" a sermon, or to sit through music where musicians approach God's throne of grace with no fear, no trembling but with these open armed fluffy "Oh how He loves us" praise music.
I don't mean to be arrogant or opinionated in this. I genuinely want to understand what my spiritual state is. I guess I'm not satisfied with the church, but not in a way that I despise it, or think there is no use in it. I specifically wonder how God wants me to be involved in His church. I'm not against going to service, praying with His people, listening to His Word. I know those are important, but I'm beginning to think it's not going to be in the same ways I had been brought up in.
I suppose what it may be is that I desire to put my trust in Christ, to lean on Him and serve among His people. Instead of relying on the expectations of His people, or comparing myself to His people to make sure I'm doing it right. Maybe what has happened is that I've actually stopped for a moment and looked around me among a room full of followers and questioned whom I am following.
My hope is that I am following Christ in this.
Lord, keep me in humility and have mercy and forgiveness over my arrogance. I pray my heart becomes like yours in mercy and forgiveness towards others who may be arrogant towards me.
