Through my despair, through satan constantly lying to me, God is supporting me.

He's giving me just enough to get by. and when I get puffed up, He brings me down.

what a journey this is...

Wonder Tour by Cool Hand Luke

You've already made too many mistakes
To ever amount to anything great
You're not allowed to dream out loud
You're far too young to even count
You're much to poor without any doubt
And you haven't done nearly enough
To deserve any grace or anyone's love

God, speak truth.
To the lies we've believed instead of you

You're in the wrong city for that line of work
And you'll never make it unless you're a jerk
Live for yourself and store up more wealth
We've traded in dreams and youthful ideals
For less noble things of paying the bills
And trying our best to look like the rest
While hiding our fears by the way we all dress

God, speak true
To the paychecks we have trusted instead of you.

Rejoicing Comes in the Morning

It has been an emotional day. Dealing with depression in the morning, crying my eyes out, and finally getting to the point of right perspective.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

serves as an encouragement to me. I feel as though crying about things and basically mourning about stuff is just me wasting time when I should be doing better things. However, this passage encourages me that it is okay. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry, it is okay. There are times to cry, and this morning through afternoon I see as a right time to cry. There are times to laugh though, and right now I see it as that. This afternoon and morning and even last night were times of mourning, but now I feel like dancing. Why? because I'm human, and human beings make mistakes, and through their mistakes God uses them, yet also, because of our mistakes Satan accuses us. I've been going through a lot of accusation today, and I cannot say I am freed from it, it is still there, but I know it is growing me and teaching me. I know the things I've done in my past, sure I messed up, but I also know that I'm not perfect, and that through our mistakes God can be even more glorified.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Do I regret my past? No. I mean, I thought I did, but why should I regret something that I am learning from? Our mistakes, our confusions, our unwise decisions, they make us who we are. In some instances, for those who choose to avoid learning from them and disciplining themselves from changing their ways, they are foolish and will bring about their own problems and sorrows. Yet for those who are wise, they will choose to learn from them, and will see how they, even though messed up and stupid, can become wiser to not go there again.

I want to be wise. I remember Josh using this metaphor of a glass being filled. If it was filled with good and loving things, if you bumped into it, it would overflow with love. Yet if the glass was mostly filled with unkind and rude things, when you bumped into it, it would overflow with those aspects of your character. You have to question then, which would you rather be filled with? Love or hate? How you will know is, how you react when you are caught off guard and bumped into, and what comes out of your life then. That will define what you have truly filled yourself with.

I believe I am filling myself with love. Even though I'm stupid, and even when I'm caught off guard, and life comes out of nowhere and bumps into me, I realized recently, (just recently, I cannot say I was this a month ago) I have more of the ability to spill out love to people. Am I always like this? No. I think this week works the most in a loving way because of last week, and being able to rest in the LORD and surrendering my thoughts and my heart to Him once again. It has helped me to face what I have gone through this week, and will continue to have to face. God is always on time, never late. I can see that perfect timing in my own life. Not just in one instance, but in many instances at one time.

"I'm not shaken, I'm not letting go."

That has been my motive for this week, my hope for this week, it serves as a reminder to me. Freedom is here.

and remember, weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. :-) (Psalms 30:5b)

God bless!

"So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians 3:7

"Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." " Matthew 9:35-38

"Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life--in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing."

Philippians 2:14-16

"We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world."

1 Corinthians 4:10-13

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:23-24

"At this point Festus interrupted Paul's defense. "You are out of your mind, Paul!" he shouted. "Your great learning is driving you insane."

"I am not insane, most excellent Festus," Paul replied. "What I am saying is true and reasonable. The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. King Agrippa, do you believe in the prophets? I know you do."

Then Agrippa said to Paul, "Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?"

Paul replied, "Short time or long--I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains."

Acts 26:24-29

some Scripture that has been on my heart today. "God speak Truth, to the lies that we believe, instead of You." -CHL I wish those I've known who don't truly know God could understand how I feel right now. I wish people could understand how chaotic my life can be, how I could break any second, yet there is a strength and hope that is keeping me going and reminding me of what matters. I guess it is a spiritual high that I'm in. A high that I haven't had for so long, I've been so far away it seems from my Lord and my God. It is so nice to be back and seeking out God's Words to fill me in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening. To have peace in the midst of painful slander, and to humble those slanderers by only God's power in my life shining through. What a dark and chaotic year for me. What despair I've felt, what heartache I feel, what peace God brings me and reminds me it is not done in vain. That is my hope, that God speaks Truth throughout my life to others.

It hurts to be completely rejected by people you have put your trust in. So many girls if they were in my situation would just start not trusting anymore. Would start believing lies. No. Not me. I know in the midst of my heartache God is my strength and will shine and that is all that matters to me. To be broken sucks but it is the best thing to be done to me, because through brokenness God creates us more like Him.

Such a strange feeling, to feel heartache yet then feel completely fine. One moment I want to break down and cry my heart out, the next moment I want to live for something beyond my own power I want to pursue more people. My two spirits are fighting each other I guess. lol I hope and pray the second one wins.

I need to exercise my faith more and be more bold. That is my goal for this summer. May God use it for His kingdom.

Well, that's about all that's on my mind and heart as of right now. God bless!

Psalm 25

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

² in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

³ No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

⁴ Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

⁵ guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

⁷ Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

⁸ Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

⁹ He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

¹⁰ All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

¹¹ For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

¹² Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

¹³ He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

¹⁴ The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

¹⁵ My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

¹⁷ The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

¹⁸ Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

¹⁹ See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

²⁰ Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

²² Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!