Out of the desert

I've hit a peak of God just working around my life lately. It seems like I was in the desert for years waiting...and then it all started with Chris and I praying together and truly wanting what we prayed for. 

God lead us into your will, we want to be part of Your will not our own. Our lives are meaningless in any other will but your's. 

Then we were approached with serving more people in a deeper way & we were thrown into a whirlwind.

We keep getting approached about how well our ministry is going...that people hear such great things about it. It's crazy what God decides to do when you want what He wants. It testifies to me that for years my faith has been too small. I've prayed too little. I've asked for such minor things. God has been so gracious towards me with those things but I am so deeply amazed and encouraged that He actually uses me. Me! A broken, prideful, selfish, sin-stained person. I am so self-righteous, God knows how evil my heart is. Yet in my brokenness He uses it. 

I've been so nervous about leading. It's funny because you'd think all this positive feedback would make me full of myself. It's the opposite...because I know it's not me. It's God. He is moving and shaping His will around me and it's beautiful. It's amazing. It's masterful to watch.

I feared that I would live a boring suburban life. Not changing my community because I fell into the "american dream" lifestyle. It hasn't hit me yet. I live in suburbia, I have mediocre things, I work an 8 to 5 job, and have never traveled outside the U.S. Yet my heart still wants Jesus. My heart still wants to change this complacent suburban culture. 

You know what I've learned? God works in powerful ways within the mediocre life. I don't have to leave my town to see Him working. He will answer prayer and He will move in powerful ways among our simple "boring" lifestyles. I don't need to go on a missions trip to a third world country to see that.

I hope this whirlwind stays for a while. I so want to unify & build up His church. Not for my glory or my own ego-boost but for His glory and for the sake of the Gospel. For the sake of His church. I want Him to keep working not for my own entertainment but so that He builds it, strengthens it, unifies it. I'm just here as an instrument and that's all I want to be.

I pray a lot for spiritual protection. I've seen the evil one get in the way when someone is doing so much good for the Gospel & totally wreck havoc on that person's life. To say that I enjoy being in a whirlwind is not always true. I'm bracing myself for the fall. I'm watching for the trap. Yet I'm praying for protection. My spirit is simultaneously joyful and sorrowful for what I am experiencing and what I will be approaching. It may be the cynic in me and I hope my cynicism is proven wrong. Regardless of that I know that He is good, and no one else's will is better than His.

Ima just do it

Recently Chris and I have been called to lead an Missional Community (In other churches it's known as a "small group"). We say "called" because we had been praying for God to direct us to where He wants us. We were willing to leave our church if that was the direction needed to best glorify God in our life. Instead we were approached and asked about leading an MC. I don't like using the word "called" because it's a very loosely used term within the evangelical community and I tend to be doubtful. I don't think highly of my spirituality and so to say I'm "called" to something in my mind sounds rather elitist. However, in this instance I say "called" because we weren't looking to lead an MC. If we were asked 4 months ago we would have laughed and said no.

One of the reasons we would have declined quickly is we already volunteer our time & energy to youth ministry. I'm not the type to mindlessly volunteer myself for stuff. I also don't like when organizations like churches suck the time and energy out of their members. I have burned out in ministry before. That may be why I'm so cynical about stuff. However, I honestly believe this is the right choice and it is taking a huge step of faith and discipline on my part to trust that God will care for us through this.

Today thinking about it started to overwhelm my spirit and then this hymn came to my heart:

Holy Spirit, living Breath of God,

Breathe new life into my willing soul.

Bring the presence of the risen Lord

To renew my heart and make me whole.

Cause Your Word to come alive in me;

Give me faith for what I cannot see;

Give me passion for Your purity.

Holy Spirit, breathe new life in me.

Holy Spirit, come abide within;

May Your joy be seen in all I do—

Love enough to cover ev'ry sin

In each thought and deed and attitude,

Kindness to the greatest and the least,

Gentleness that sows the path of peace.

Turn my striving into works of grace.

Breath of God, show Christ in all I do. 

Holy Spirit, from creation's birth,

Giving life to all that God has made,

Show Your power once again on earth;

Cause Your church to hunger for Your ways.

Let the fragrance of our prayers arise.

Lead us on the road of sacrifice

That in unity the face of Christ

Will be clear for all the world to see.

Holy Spirit, Living Breath of God

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

© 2006 Thankyou Music

From <http://www.gettymusic.com/hymns-holyspirit.aspx>

^^^ That is so my heart for our MC this year.

A major part of stepping out in faith is being willing to sacrifice. Chris and I don't want to live a quiet happy comfortable life. Before I was married I feared the suburban lifestyle. I feared becoming so complacent in my life that I didn't see the needy or have a desire to change a community for the better. Looking back now I see why I have always been willing to go into social situations where I don't know anyone and meet new people and try new things. It is comfortable to be known it is extremely uncomfortable to not be known by anyone. As I got older the more uncomfortable things I would put myself through. That's why I was willing to leave my hometown so quickly. Why I left to go to college and not stay at home and then right after graduation move to another state with a totally different culture.

Now the next step to sacrifice for me is time. Being willing to give more time to people and also balance it well so my marriage is healthy. My fear is that I will burn out. That I won't be able to handle ministering to people in a deeper way. That what I thought I was a "calling" was just a human coincidence and has no bearing on a divine plan. Or that I made the wrong decision and it was a test on me to either say yes or no and now I must suffer the consequences of my human foolishness.

My spirit responds to my overthinking with this: Ima just do it.

Those who love their dream of a Christian community

“Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than they love the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest and sacrificial. God hates this wishful dreaming because it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. Those who dream of this idolized community demand that it be fulfilled by God, by others and by themselves. They enter the community of Christians with their demands set up by their own law, and judge one another and God accordingly. It is not we who build. Christ builds the church. Whoever is mindful to build the church is surely well on the way to destroying it, for he will build a temple to idols without wishing or knowing it. We must confess he builds. We must proclaim, he builds. We must pray to him, and he will build. We do not know his plan. We cannot see whether he is building or pulling down. It may be that the times which by human standards are the times of collapse are for him the great times of construction. It may be that the times which from a human point are great times for the church are times when it's pulled down. It is a great comfort which Jesus gives to his church. You confess, preach, bear witness to me, and I alone will build where it pleases me. Do not meddle in what is not your providence. Do what is given to you, and do it well, and you will have done enough.... Live together in the forgiveness of your sins. Forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer


I love this quote so much. The reason why is because I identified with that. I was a dreamer of what Christian community "should" look like and came to find myself judgmental and bitter over the state of things. God has been so gracious to my heart through these last couple of years. I've come out of the judgmental and bitter state to wanting to love as many people as I can for the sake of Christ. To value as many people as I can for the glory of God. Instead of growing bitter at what the Church lacks I've grown in joy of how great God is. I use to depend on the Church for my value and worth as a Christian and it turned to bitterness. Now I believe the Church has a huge role in the growth of a new believer and the shepherding of a Christian, but there comes a time when that Christian needs to grow solely in Christ.. They can't stay relying on the Church for their growth. I couldn't stay there. If I did the Church would become my crutch. Instead I've come to the realization that I'd rather have Christ above all things. I'd rather Christ be glorified over a group of people. If that group isn't glorifying Christ then I won't let them bring me down because they don't define my relationship with God, only Christ does.

I have my moments where I turn to despair and bitterness at the state of our society. At the state of Christendom today. Yet I will not let it waiver me from Christ. When I see falsehood flow into churches and sin encroach on the cause of Christ, I hold on to this promise:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

    and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,

    giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

   so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;

    it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,

    and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:10-11

I've realized how liberating it is to live in Christ alone. To find ways of loving people more. Even if someday the Church no longer welcomes me I can still love them because my value and worth is found in the Cross of Christ. He is my strength and He is my portion forever. God will mobilize me when everything else is trying to take me down. I love Him and I pray I never lose sight of this.