I read your old posts. You hoped for the me now to look back & see Jesus in your old posts. You hoped that if you were ever a mom you’d not become a shallow person. Well here I am now, I’m you now looking back at you then. This is my response to you, how I wish I could hold you & hug you & tell you, it’s going to be okay, you’re good, you’re wonderful, & don’t spend your energy in tormenting yourself. God is not going to ever reject you. Your “sinful thoughts” are not because you’re a sinner, they are called “intrusive thoughts” because you have OCD. You are & have always been a good person, Jesus died to give you abundant life. To live in Christ is not to suffer in the ways you think, it isn’t to always sacrifice your energy, time & money, sometimes God wants us to rest, to wait, to recover. God is not just outside of us, He is inside of us too, we are made in His Image, therefore He is in the deepest parts of us. There’s no place we can be separated from Him. I know you’re thinking what about Hell? A good God doesn’t send good people to Hell. A good God doesn’t die on the cross to give eternal life to people for them to live their lives on earth in mental torment & emotional suffering. He died to give us LIFE, not death, not suffering. A broken world’s response to heavenly goodness is to lash out at it like a wound stings when you treat it. A broken world’s reaction to heavenly goodness is to harm it, to abuse it, & that’s why Jesus & good people suffer in it. But that’s not all because as the world lashes out it also longs to be healed, it longs for that goodness it longs to be made right again. You love people deeply because you’re a loving person & God has been with you since you called to Him as a very young girl, He doesn’t want to torment you or make you feel guilt or shame. God wants you to rest, to know He made you GOOD & you don’t need to work so hard to find Him & you can never lose Him, His love is so vast you don’t have the ability to reach the end of it. God is not out to get you, He is walking alongside you, supporting you.
Sweet girl I wish I could hold you like I hold my daughter. To rock you & snuggle into you & to tell you to rest. To tell you to enjoy life. To enjoy people. To enjoy things. Jesus says his burden is light, take off the heavy yoke of your own theological suffering off & realize walking with Jesus isn’t hard & doesn’t take all your energy. The entire fate of the world does not rest on your shoulders. Every single person on earth is responsible within their capacity to bring Heaven back to Earth, some suffer more than others to do that depending on where they’re located. That is not your burden to fix but if you ever have the means to fix it don’t hesitate to do so because every single one of us is responsible to make our world better. As long as we live on this earth we should do the good work Jesus left which was to free captives, heal sick, find cures for blindness/disability, feed the needy, care for widows & orphans, give voices to the voiceless, etc. The good work is not constantly battling our internal vices, the good work is healing our internal brokenness. When we can heal inside of ourselves, we can find God there who made us & then we can heal our world & see God in the work that we do. You don’t have to keep fighting yourself, you are not your enemy, you are recovering from being broken, your sanctification has been your treatment plan & God has been caring for you & healing you this entire time.
Here I am now, I’m not fully healed of all my brokenness. But I am more confident in my future & sure of my salvation. A long time ago you wrote about how pursuing happiness is worthless & to pursue Christ instead. Here’s what I’ve found, happiness is Christ, joy is Heavenly, pursing good things is good. God will not harm or betray a person that pursues good. What you feared of God is what a broken world does to good people. A broken world betrays, harms, abuses, exploits whereas God welcomes, heals, restores, protects. When a soul recognizes that & is sanctified in that, it can’t hold it all in, it has to spread it to other souls. That is what the Great Commission is. That is the work of the Great Physician, you are not sick anymore, you are being healed & with that healing gives you the power to heal others. To be a positive light into your community. Every single person that is healed is that positive light, the shining city on the hill. You point to Jesus by your mere existence. Don’t work so hard, just be. Remember that? “Be Still & know that I am God” Remember how you meditate on those words to calm your mind? To remember to be outside of yourself & to look to God? He’s always been there & He will always be there. Rest in the knowledge of that, be kind to yourself, be kind to your mind & your body. I love you past self, I’m so sorry for your internal torments & your emotional sufferings. I will take much better care of you moving forward & heal you as I learn to care for my daughter so she doesn’t have to think in that way in order to grow in God’s goodness. ❤️
