I can't live in this any longer. It's not good, it's not right, it's not holy, it's not pure. It's evil. My sin, is not just some annoying problem or habit I possess, it is utter evil. It is what causes God to burn against humanity, it's what cost the Son of God his life. Sin. Not just general human sin, but Amber's sin. The stuff that I willingly choose to do because of the enjoyment of it's' evil. I enjoy and could care less of how I make God or anyone else feel as long as I get to do what I want to do. That's real evil.
While reading Confessions, I find myself relating to Augustine as he looks back on the time he stole pears from someone's pear tree:
Behold my heart, O God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my heart tell Thee what it sought there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill, but the ill itself. It was the foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish, I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself!
He also says after this how he did not even eat the pears he stole. It was not out of need or desire for the pears itself, because he did not want the pears. He wanted to just steal for the act of stealing. There was no logical reason for it besides desire.
There's a lie that goes around christian circles, it goes something like this: God gave you those desires for a reason. (this lie is usually in the context of marital desire)
So how is God giving us desires for a reason a lie? Let me put it into context. When I was single, that was something told to me that I began to tell myself when I would be feeling lonely. The desire to have someone, preferably Mr. Right, was what my desire was when I faced that loneliness.
In my mind, if I was feeling lonely it was because I was meant to be with someone and not stay single my whole life. Because ultimately God loves to give good gifts to me His child, and this was a gift I wanted.
What's wrong with this picture? The loneliness I felt was sinful. It was discontentment with what God has provided for me. I wanted something more and He was withholding that more from me, to teach me and grow me, is what I told myself at least. In reality though, God's Will is God's Will. The human desires should be denied. A lot of times denying them is by redirecting them towards the throne of God and matching His holiness with our own. (Of course, if you know God, then you know we are not holy whatsoever)
I think what irks me the most is that I found this lying mindset (and still do) in Christian circles today. I see it among fellow sisters in Christ, who are seeking fulfillment in dating or marriage. I don't get it. That's not the mindset of a follower of Christ, why? Because with that mindset the self desires to be fulfilled by another person. Not God though. What does Jesus call us to do?
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? Mark 8:34-36
To deny the self, of what? Of all things ungodly, of all pleasures outside of God's holiness. The lust of self should be denied if we are truly followers of Christ. I like how Augustine defines the difference between lust and love, this has been on my mind a lot lately and I think it is a very good way to divide the two.
"By love I mean the impulse of one's mind to enjoy God on his own account and to enjoy oneself and one's neighbour on account of God, and by lust I mean the impulse of one's mind to enjoy oneself and one's neighbour and any corporeal thing not on account of God."
-St. Augustine
How convicting is that? Ha! I just laugh at myself over this quote because it is so intense. Yet so very true.
I am reading through Ezekiel and I came across these verses that I kept rereading.
On the mountain height of Israel will I plant it, that it may bear branches and produce fruit and become a noble cedar. And under it will dwell every kind of bird; in the shade of its branches birds of every sort will nest. And all the trees of the field shall know that I am the LORD; I bring low the high tree, and make high the low tree, dry up the green tree, and make the dry tree flourish. I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it.”
Ezekiel 17:23-24
I want to flourish like that. I want that refreshment of God's will. His Sovereign control over my life is humbling.
"When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory" Colossians 3:4
I love how Paul describes Christ. He is my life. Not just someone who keeps me busy and gives me a social life or someone who makes me out to be a better person, no. He is life. He gives me life. A breathe of spiritual wakefulness.
Within the deadness of my evil, there comes a God of mercy and grace. He provides me with life and a way to be free from the evilness of my heart. How wretched and evil we are. This has been a humbling couple of weeks. I have nothing to hold on to but Christ alone. If I stray a little from him I get more sickened by what I turn to than I have ever before this. As frustrating and hard this has been, I am thankful for being able to see myself as I really am, broken, condemned, and hopeless. I'm glad I have my hope in the Giver and Sustainer of Life.
God bless!
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